::Update::

I've been recovering at my parent's since last Thurs/Friday (whenever I got out of the hospital). The seizures left me feeling very weak and tired, but time at my parent's house allowed me to regain most of my strength. Today I came back to my place and before I left, my mom gave me the saddest look and said (in her broken english) "it hurts". That broke my heart :(. Mom and dad want me to move back home and I think it might be a good idea (especially after the phone call i got today...I'll write about that in a bit) but at the same time I'm not ready to give up my place. I really like living on my own, and after being at my parent's and suffering through the heat this weekend, I remembered how much I really like the weather out here. I really missed the ocean breeze. I have a lot to think about...

After my dad dropped me off today, I started to miss my parents and started to get really sad. This caused one of the weird auras that I had at the hospital. My lips started twitching. Dude, that was totally scary. I wonder what else will trigger that type of aura. I should mention that I've been having a new kind of aura since I left the hospital. The auras I normally have are really scary, but now I'm having some that feel really good. It's kind of hard to describe the new auras, but I guess the best way I can describe them is they're just like having a good memory. With the scary auras I was more inclined to take my emergency meds, but now not so much... This is something I'll have to bring up to my neurologist.

Now about the phone call I got today. Dr. Haneef congratulated me on having a successful hospital stay. He said that the results from the telemetry testing confirmed that the seizures are definitely coming from my right temporal lobe. Therefore, the doctors have concluded that I am a good candidate for the surgery (called temporal lobe resection). The next step is to take some Neuro-psych testing. The doctor described one of them as a pen and paper test for my I.Q. and memory. The other test is called Wada Test. He said that basically they'll be putting one side of my brain to sleep. These tests will conclude how my memory will be affected and if I'll be able to rely on the left side of my brain. I'm not sure if this means that the right side of my brain wont be as reliable. I didn't get a chance to ask Dr. Haneef too many questions.

I'm not sure if i should be happy about the news i received today, but I can definitely say that I'm really scared. I don't want to have the surgery. My biggest fear is losing my memory. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm having a lot of trouble with my memory right now because of all the seizures I had recently. My short term memory been affected, and aside from my stay at the hospital, there are many other random details of my life that I'm having a lot of trouble remembering right now. I've been relying on my dad and my sister to help me. That really freaking sucks and it's pretty scary. I hate the way it feels not to be able to remember simple details and I hate that I have to rely on people on others to basically function as my memory.

This is a lot to take in and I have a lot of things to consider, it's all very overwhelming. I'm just really anxious and scared. I was secretly hoping that the doctors would tell me that I'm not a good candidate for the surgery, and that I would be able to continue with my life the way it is. Yes the seizures suck, but they don't suck as much as losing my memory. Not only that, but as I mentioned before, the surgery doesn't guarantee anything. I've done some research on this surgery, and a lot of the patients say that they've still had to continue taking medication and that while surgery has reduced the seizures, it hasn't stopped them completely!

Fuck...

Last Day - Final Blog...for now ;) (some more pics too)

Mom and dad were early to pick me up. Had to wait around for a while to be discharged. I was sad to say goodbye to the nurses, care partners, and staff. Like I mentioned before, everybody was stopping by to say goodbye so that made me feel a little better. It feels like I was in the hospital forever, but not in a negative way. I felt comfortable and I was very well taken care of. I made friends with all of the nurses and staff. I was in good company and I had all of you guys supporting me and sending me your kind thoughts and good energy. I don't know how things are going to turn out, but i'm hoping for the best. Again, thanks for all of your support and love, love, love. :D

Here are some pics of me:

The beanie was there to secure the electrodes on my head to ensure they wouldn't move around with all the activity. Sweet getup right?

This was taken during one of the first few days at the hospital.

This is before I started getting sick and I was still able to wear my own clothes. (note: if you look @ the board to the left there's a note that one of my care partners left for me "get a seizure") LOL

Needless to say, this is after I was really really sick (look at the bags under my eyes)

and look at how high up the rails are (to ensure I wouldn't fall over when seizing).

Last Day part 2

These are SOME of the electrodes I had placed on my head

Kirk the hilarious chief Neurology Tech that re-gel'd and removed my electrodes

Before I left, Kirk, the chief technologist stopped by to remove the electrodes stuck to my head. He removed them with acetone(!!) so he gave me an "acetone removal breathing apparatus" aka a big piece of paper to fan myself with. Dude's so funny!!!

Kirk stopped by once a day to re-gel my electrodes (which relieved the itching) and to make sure they were correctly in place. Kirk always made the process go by quickly with his dry sense of humor. The day before yesterday he offered to give me a copy of my personal recordings. I didn't really know exactly what was in the recordings so I was like, "okay". He brought it by today since he was going to remove the electrodes from my head and it would be the last time we would see each other. As we were talking I mentioned that I've only seen somebody have a seizure once and that it was traumatizing. When he heard that he said, "oh you should take caution with that DVD, I gave you. It's footage of all of your seizures big and small!! There's also recordings of the EEG and copies of the PET scan, etc etc." Bascially he hooked me up with a free DVD of information I'd need for a second opinion. That info is really hard to get. You have to request it months in advance and you have to have several approvals and several signatures from different people in different departments aside from the paperwork that would need to be filled out by the other doctor. At first I was very curious and had every intention to look through the CD. But now, there's no way I'm going to view the footage of myself seizing. I am happy that I have it, though, because I might want a second opinion after the doctors at UCLA give me their prognosis. *sigh*

Last Day (possibly last post...)

Apparently I'm Freakin' awesome! The nurses have been stopping by because they heard that today I am going to be discharged. All of them have been coming in to say goodbye, and to wish me well. Many of them have woken me up but it's nice to see them. The sad part is that I barely remember some of them :(. All the seizure activity has messed up my memory. I hate this feeling. I remember a lot of their voices but their faces not so much.... :( This is one of my biggest worries about having the surgery. The surgery causes memory loss. And, of course, there's no guarantee that surgery will stop my seizures. It might...but it might not. If it does stop my seizures, my quality of life might improve...but will it really? Without my memory and without being able to remember generic words such as names of colors, or worse, without being able to remember people in my life...will that be a better life for me? Memory loss sucks so much and to be honest, it really hurts not to be able to remember all of the smiling faces coming by to wish me luck. :(

I have mixed feelings about leaving today. Yesterday I was feeling melancholy, and vulnerable but today I'm anxious and nervous. Anxious and nervous about what the future holds for me. I hope nothing but good things/results come from my stay here. Hard to believe that it's already been a week huh? I think I mentioned this in my last post, but I am SO GLAD I started this blog. I've been able to refer back to my old posts to help me remember bits and pieces of my life here the past week. Discharge is at 11am. Again, I'm anxious but I'm trying to stay positive. I'll be staying at my parents for a while in case any of you want to stop by ;). Thank you, every single last one of you for your support, prayers, well wishes, cheerful visits, phone calls, emails, facebook messages, everything. You guys all cheered me up when i was scared, nervous, anxious, lonely, sad, and even helped me to stay happy when i had my flashes of cheerfulness. I can never thank you enough, but just know that my heart is bursting with love for every single one of you. :D

Julio - the most talkative of the bunch also a big flirt...slow down there, cowboy!

Maria- super cute and sweet care partner

Florence - nighttime RN funny and was never afraid to wake me up :-|

Nighttime board

Ben, my nighttime care partner. He was a big clown..alwasy made me laugh

(btw, look at my awesome blood pressure ;P)

Maria - one of my day time care partners and maybe my favorite nurse!

Day 7 Part 3

It's 10:35. I've started to gather my things. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm both anxious and nervous and also sad to leave. Sad to leave because of what I mentioned in my other blog. Mostly I'm scared. I'm afraid to be alone. Here, at the hospital, I've had 24 hour watch and care. There's a camera monitoring me. If the nurses see me moving around too much, they page me to make sure I'm okay. Not only that, but I have a personal nurse that checks in on me once every hour to make sure I'm comfortable/okay or to take care of anything i need. All of that made me feel safer. I know I wont have that when I get home so i'm kind of anxious and scared.

On a different and brighter note, Marie and Lupe came to visit me today. They were the highlight of my day!! They brought me smiles and laughter. In situations like these nothing is better than visitors and phone calls from people that love you. They make the entire situation easier to endure. And it makes you realize how many care about you. Love you guys

Day 7 Part 2

As I mentioned in my other blog, my doctor gave me the okay to leave. I, however, was feeling sad and lonely and didn't want to leave my nurses/care takers, so I told him that i was still having auras in hopes that he would let me stay. And sure enough he told me to stay for one more day. WTF right? How could I ask to stay when the entire time I've been here all I've wanted to do is go home. Weird, right?

I called my sister and told her about this. She said it was actually a good idea. My body has been stressed out by the lack of meds and all the seizure activity I've had recently. So it's going to take my body some time to recover. If I should go right now, it wouldn't be the best idea, because i'd probably have many, many seizures at home. I should wait until my auras aren't as frequent (right now I'm having 5-15 minute-long auras a few times an hour). I need at least one day of recovery at the hospital. I'm glad she told me that, because I was feeling like a weirdo.

BTW have I mentioned how much I love the staff here?? I'm really going to miss them so much. I've never had a staff that's so cool and interested in getting to know you. Staff like that makes hospital stays much easier to get through. like I mentioned before, most nurses hardly ever even look you in the eye. Quite different from the nurses here.

UPDATE:

Just spoke to Dr. Haneef and he told me that I'll definitely be ready to go home tomorrow. He told me that I had 14 seizures throughout my entire stay. Dr said they have more than enough information and that he and a group of doctors will be going over the results tomorrow. After that they'll come to a conclusion. I told him about the auras I've been experiencing today and he told me calm down, try to relax and that they have valium nearby just in case i need a sedative. I hope i don't need the valium...i've had it before and I don't like how drugged out it makes me.

Aside from that, I have a few people that are going to stop by today. I love visitors! yay :)

Day7 mid-morning, early afternoon

I finally had a grand-mal seizure last night. I woke up feeling very confused and disoriented this morning. There were a couple of times, last night, that I woke up and was freaking out because I didn't know where I was. Nothing in the room seemed familiar. I didn't know what day it was and the nurses coming in didn't seem familiar to me. I'm glad I have my blog to refer back to.

Speaking of which, I was going through my blogs and realized that what i started writing in today's blog is EXACTLY the same as yesterday's!! LOL.

The difference today, is that I finally had a grand-mal seizure. Last night they pulled me off of all my meds, and that finally caused some activity aka seizures. This morning my doctor came by and told me the seizure was successful, it read wonderfully on the screen, and they have all the information they need. Since they have what they need, the doctor (Dr.Haneef) told me I could leave today. I told him that I was having auras (one that lasted about 45 minutes) and asked if he really thought it would be best for me to go... so he told me to stay one more day. Can you believe I manipulated him into letting me stay one more day?? Especially considering how badly I've wanted to go home. But I really wanted to stay...

Stay for another day because....K, are you ready for this? The weird thing is after doc told me i could leave I started feeling melancholy and had a strong urge to cry. I don't want to leave all the nice people I met here. The nurses were so kind to me and took such good care of me. These nurses took interest in me, and did all they could to make me laugh, smile, and keep me as comfortable as possible. I've never had nurses like this. Usually nurses are in such a hurry to get to the next patient that they barely even look at you. Maybe I'm feeling like this because of the grand-mal I had last night. Grand-mals make you vulnerable and emotional. Maybe it's because while I've been here I haven't had to think about life outside of the hospital and have had people taking care of everything for me...hmmm I realize I'm a big weirdo, considering how badly I wanted to go home yesterday. I realize now that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to ask to stay but, whatever the case, I'm going to talk to my doctor and see what he says. Hopefully I'll be able to take back what I told them earlier. I really should leave.

The thing about my nurses is I've developed good relationships with them and I feel that they truly cared about me. Even though the nurses are paid to care for their patients, my nurses have gone above and beyond for me. They treated me so well and I'm so thankful to them. I'm thankful that I got to see their kind faces when I was ill. I'm thankful that I had their support when I was at my most vulnerable and and grateful that they saw me through my scariest moments here. They made me feel safe and cared for. They cheered me up when I was sad and made me laugh when I really needed it!

Whoa, just spoke to my Student Nurse, Rene, and he told me that I had 8 seizures last night!! 8 seizures and 1 big one. No wonder they have all the info they need! Maybe it's best that I don't leave! I need to be taken care of right now. I want to cry. I think after this I'm going to have to stay at my parents so I don't get too depressed. Thinking back to past episodes, melancholy and sadness are typical after a grand-mal seizure. This is normal for me. I just haven' thad one of these in a REALLY long time.

So now i'm waiting...i would like to take a shower, and start packing my stuff. I hope I'll be able to go home....again, even though i'm going to miss my nurses (murses too) I need to get going and focus on getting my life back on track. I hope I get to spend lots of time with my family and surpress my sadness/melacholy/depression as much as possible.

Tuesday, Day 6, Evening

Woke up strapped down to the bed! I tried my hardest to get up. Immediately one of my nurses paged me and was talking to me via intercom. For some reason I'm really feisty today. She was trying to remind me why I'm here and how long i've been here. I was like 'ef you' that's not true! Afterwards I was arguing with my doctor too. He asked me why i was so confused, I was like, "hello I've just had seizure after seizure, and I haven't had a good night's rest for a while". I felt like he was being mean to me. I called all of my family in hopes that they would be able to fill in the bits and pieces that i was missing re: my stay here. I was so confused and couldn't remember where I was. I called my sister and my dad and I had to ask them what was going on. Luis textd me after and told me to read my blog. Haha, for once I'm happy that I put all my shit out there for everybody to see. After reading my blog I completely remembered why i'm here. Dr. Haneef came back and I told him I remembered everythig and he said "you see, why did you feel the need to fight with me". haha!

Right now I'm feeling lonely, sad and vulnerable. I wish somebody familiar was here. I guess I made friends with the nurses because they've all been stopping by to make sure i'm okay and have also been helping me fill in bits and pieces. One of murses (male nurse) was laughing at me. That made me laugh and also made me feel so much better.

Being here is tough. I don't like that this happens. It's scary not to know where you are, and to completely forget important incidents that happened recently.

Please pray that my stay will be successful and that I get to go home soon.

Day 6 (mid-day)

Today is not a good day for me :(. I feel so lonely and sad. I want to cry so badly. I think it might be because of all the activity/seizures I had last night. I'm not retaining information and find that I'm unable to answer questions sometimes. The doctor said that I had a ton of seizures and that's a good thing. He said he and his team have a lot to go off of. I don't want to be here much longer.I'm so sad. This is so hard to go through. I guess the positive side is that I only have a week and 1 day to go. Please pray that this stay goes quickly for me.

Day 6 (morning)

They finally let me sleep!!! Woke up at around 6am or earlier. So far, today hasn't been a good one. I'm confused, i don't know where I am. I barely remember my nurses and it's only because of this blog, that I'm able to remember why i'm here. I'm really scared right now :(. It sucks when people are telling you things about yourself that you COMPLETELY do not remember. Even the nurses had confused looks on their faces. They kept trying to trigger my memory. "Your sisters stopped by and they brought you some goodies. Remember?" My answer was "no" to everything. Although, now I'm slowly starting to remember things. Memories are starting to come back. Things are starting to appear familiar again. Apparently I had some good/strong seizures last night. I can tell based on the headache I have right now. Last night's seizures explain why I'm so confused and disoriented right now. Aside from all of that I'm feeling sad and lonely. I hope family gets here soon.

Day 5

MONDAY, APRIL 26, 2010

Day 5

Day 5 (Monday)

Oh man, I've been up since 8 am Sunday morning. I've been up for 38 hours!! I'm seriously running on fumes right now. It was really hard to stay up I had a few cups of coffee to help me stay up, but eventually the coffee wore off so I had some snacks here and kept myself up by eating! I hope I don't get fat while I'm here. I was flipping through the channels at 5 am I caught a couple of episodes of Saved By the Bell. The show is so stupid it's funny. As a kid I wanted to look like, and be just like Kelly Kapowski.

I didn't have any episodes today. :( What's wrong with me?? Why am I not having seizures??? Is it performance anxiety??? Mother nature is playing a cruel joke on me :(

On the bright side, I had a lot of visitors today. Visitors make me so happy! First, some nursing students came by to study the neurology dept. A cool guy came to sit in on vitals, and general training for neurology dept. He was here for a few hours and we had good conversations about being Filipino and how shitty the cafeteria food is. Later on Lory, Vero, Rachel, Mom and dad came to see me. I had so much fun being silly with my sisters. Sheena is my care partner (personal nurse) today. She was super funny and kept my sisters and I entertained for a while. She rocks, i hope she's my nurse tomorrow night. Hope my family stops by again tomorrow. I love my family!

OMG i just heard somebody have a seizure. OMG so so sad and scary

whoa. There was screaming and i heard nurses rushing over there to help him. Whoa, that was so fucking scary :( :( :(

Day 4

Day 4:

It's Sunday. Louie stayed the night. Sooo nice to wake up and have a familiar person in the room with me. He takes such good care of me. I had lots of visitors today. Michelle, Rachel, and my mom stopped by. We sat around watching I love Lucy. Louie was here all day long. Stayed even after everybody had left. He catered to my every need and let me boss him around (thanks Lou, you rock!!).

Earlier in the day i had a strobe light test. It was super cool. I've had them before, but they were quick and not as intense as the one I had today. The test didn't really work, however, it triggered spasms in my arms and legs. Since I haven't had a seizure they're going to start sleep deprivation tonight. I'm going to have to be up 36 hours. So, I wont be able to sleep until 8pm tomorrow. Let's hope this causes some activity so we can get the show on the road and so i can get out of here!!!

I'm finally starting to get used to not getting up and having to page the nurses for everything. My nurse today was this really adorable old chinese man. He wore his scrubs pulled all the way up to the top of his belly. He was really cute and sweet and stopped by once every hour to make sure I was okay. He would come in to make sure I had eaten, to make sure i was drinking plenty of fluids, and went out of his way a lot more than the other nurses have so far. He also catered to my guests. That was pretty awesome!

I feel like i'm going stir crazy. I haven't seen the sun since Thursday. I haven't been outside since Thursday. Yesterday and today I was allowed to have a supervised stroll around the halls of the 6th floor. Not great, but it's nice to get up and stretch my legs for 5 minutes. Mr. yi-ming (my nurse) gave me a lovely tour today. He showed me the student dorms. He also showed me where the Getty Museum is. You could barely see it because of the overcast. On the opposite side of the 6th floor he showed me the LAX. I live by the LAX and I realized how much i take it for granted. It made me realize how much i take everything for granted. Even simple things like the ability to walk outside and enjoy the sun.

I'm trying to stay positive. Prayers helps. I've been asking God for strength an patience to deal with all of this.

Day 3

I'm feeling pretty amazing right now. Got up early, showered, took a hyperventilation test that made me dizzy and made my legs shake. Then my nurse came in and asked me if I wanted to sit in the chair in my room instead of sitting in my bed. I was like fuck yeah. So i've been sitting in this chair feeling pretty fucken good. Sounds good, right? Wrong…I'm supposed to be having seizures right now. On the bright side, I like that I can take a shower every day. Originally they told me that I'd only be able to shower every other day. I can't wash my hair though, but at least i get to shower. That's good enough for me.

4 hours later:

Kinda ready to go home dude.

The doctors and nurses keep telling me different shit. One doctor tells me not to clench my jaws. Another tells me to go ahead because it's involuntary and they need to see what my seizures look like physically instead of whats on the screen. Hmm.

I feel like some of my doctors are upset with me. The doctor told me that the faster I have seizures, the faster they can come to a conclusion, the faster I can go home. That kinda made me feel like shit…like not having the seizures is all my fault, like i'm stopping them from happening…as if I have some sort of control of that kinda shit :(. I asked him about the auras I had last night. He told me that theres no way to tell what happened because the brain is so complex and the auras may have come from from the depths of my brain. What the hell???

I wish things were like Grey's anatomy. They have the diagnosis in 20 minutes and 40 minutes later shit's cured and everybody is happy. Then somebody has romantic sex, and cool music plays in the background. Stupid Grey's.

I overhead a doctor telling a patient the EXACT same thing that the doctors have been telling me: "you can die crossing the street, you could die in a plane crash. Blah blah blah there's no way to tell if you're going to die during the surgery, but it's a risk..the same risk you take when you cross the street blah blah blah" Ugh.

Cindy came by and brought me lots of goodies. I got some good Filipino treats and a freaking awesome burger. I had forgotten what "real" food tastes like. Hospital food is a muthafucka. I was sad to see her go. We laughed our asses off at nothing. I love that nobody gets our jokes. It's a Cindy/Rosario thing. My Louie stopped by right after and brought me some cupcakes!! Woohoo. They were delicious. Dots cupcakes RULE! My sister, Lorena stopped by about 30 minutes later. I love my sister and I realize that I don't always appreciate everything she does for me. :( Towards the end of the night my sister Rachel, showed up with Luis. Visitors make everything so much better. It's nice to have somebody distract you from the boredom, and the situation that's going on.

Day 2

Day2. Slept surprisingly well last night. IV's were such a bitch to me. Usually IVs are not a bother but this time they put the iv's in my hand. Again, this usually isn't a problem but since I'm typing and playing on my computer they dig into my hand. OUCH.

I am feeling the LOVE from all my friends and family. It's pretty freaking awesome that so many people care. I'm very thankful for the prayers and well wishes from everybody. Luis is going to stop by tomorrow (love you Louie). I feel so special that he's trekking all the way over here just to see me. I have awesome friends and an amazing family. Love you guys!

I'm supposed to have a PET scan today...waiting for my nurse to come by and take me to do that. It's 7:30 am right now...i should page her so that I can brush my teeth, take a shower and put some clothes on. Woo!

K that didn't work out. My male nurse, Julio, came in. He's very nice...but he's a male and I'm uncomfortable changing and doing all that stuff with him around. I wanted to put on some clothes, but he told me to wait until after the PET scan, to shower, change my clothes, etc. Okay let's get this show on the road....PET scan the shit out of my brain, so that I can shit, shower and shave already. I'm f'n hungry but I can't eat or drink water before the PET scan.

Just had the PET scan. I straight out got injected with Radioactive sugar water aka Radioactive tracer!! The radioactive sugar water (totally not the right term) is used because the brain cells use glucose as their fuel. With the PET scan the doctors can get a better view and are better able to identify wtf is wrong with my brain.The procedure wasn't hard, but it kinda was. After I got injected with the solution, the technicians had to study my brain waves for 30 minutes. I sat in a room and couldn't really move and I didn't have anything to do, so I stared at the wall the entire time. The second part of the procedure lasted 30 minutes too and it was TORTURE. I sat in the same chair but this time the chair was reclined, they turned off the lights, the room temperature was awesome, and I had to close my eyes …..but i wasn't allowed to sleep!!!! OMG wtf…it was so hard. It was nearly impossible to stay awake for 30 minutes in such a peaceful environment. Seriously it felt like torture. After that, we started the 3rd and final part of the procedure. This was the easiest since all they had to was place me in the machine for 15 minutes and get images of my brain . So, ladies and gentlemen, that is a PET scan.

My sister Lorena and her her bf Mark, came to visit me at around 4. They brought good vibes and food. It was pretty awesome considering that i hadn't eaten all day. They were one of highlights of my day :)

Right after they left I had some seizures. They were so weird, i've never seized like that before. I was INVOLUNTARILY hyperventilating, and crying. Then my legs started shaking. It was really really horrible. there were 3 nurses in the room with me. I'm feeling really weak right now. a little nauseous and i have a headache. *sigh* I guess I got what we were hoping for. …

Not really. I'm SUPER bummed right now:(. The doctor came in and said the seizure was unsuccessful :( :( :(. I seized, but they weren't able to tell what part of my brain it came from because i was clenching my jaw. Clenching my jaw shows too much muscle mass on the EEG and it makes the all of the readings dark so they can't see any of my brain waves thus making it impossible to map out what part of the brain is causing the seizures. This is bad because when I seize i normally clench my jaw…dang. I'm wondering how i'm going to restrain myself from doing that…hmm. So I"m feeling super tired and sleepy right now. I'm gonna take a nap.

I got a second wind. my bro, Jesse, is coming with his kids and really looking forward to seeing them :) I also received a call from my bestie, Carlos', mom. It meant so much that she thought of me and was so worried about me. I love Teresa. I love all of Carlos' family.

My brother and the kids showed up at around 6 or 7. They were so much fun. My niece is so animated she made the visit so entertaining. We all had a good time listening to music, making fun and laughing at each other. Towards the end of the visit I could feel myself starting to get sick. I warned my brother when he first got here. I didn't want the kids to see me get sick so i told him that if i asked him to leave he had to leave that instant. Like I said, i started to feel a seizure coming and told him to leave immediately. About a minute later I had a seizure. This one was worse than the one i had earlier. I couldn't stop shaking, or blinking, my lips were quivering and again I couldn't stop crying. I was thinking about what the doctor told me earlier so i was trying my best not to clench my jaw. This, in turn, gave me lock jaw. It also caused my tongue to swell and hurt. I couldn't talk. The nurses kept asking me questions like if i knew where i was, and the date. It was nearly impossible to talk so I had to use hand signals. The nurses told me that if i had 3 seizures they would call the doctor and they'd give me some sort of sedative.

Sure enough I had 3 and the nurses called the doctor. Doc came in and started asking me a bunch of questions. She gave me 3 words to remember but i could only remember 2: winter and cat. I had another seizure and she was reading the waves on the computer screen. She turned around and said, "hmmm i see you seizing, but it's not reading as a seizure on the computer". I was like, wtf?! She studied my brain waves some more, and was asking me a series of questions simultaneously. I couldn't talk again so I had to use hand signals to answer her. In the middle of all of this I had a strong urge to pee. My legs were like jello so i couldn't walk. She told me that she would get a bed pan. I was like, fuck that shit. (Have you ever peed in a bed pan??? I have, and it's fucken gross. I'd rather fall 3 times on the way to the bathroom than pee in a bed pan). So i held it until i felt a little bit of strength, and the nurse walked me to the bathroom…but this time she didn't close the door. She left it wide open to make sure i was okay and didn't start seizing. It was pretty embarrassing, but whatever, at least I didn't have to pee in a bed pan.

So, the doctor kept leaving the room and coming back. She looked at my eyes, asked me to raise my arms, asked me to do a series of other tests, and again she said that it wasn't reading as a seizure. The nurses suggested that maybe this was a simple partial seizure instead of a complex partial seizure(complex partial are the type of seizures I have). Nope. Instead the doctor came back and told me that what I was experiencing were auras. I was like, wtf, these are unlike any other aura i've ever had. Auras are premonitions or a warning sign that you're going to have a seizure. For epileptic patients the most common auras are deja vu, a surge of panic or fear, or nausea. For me, auras last anywhere from 1 to 45 seconds. The doctors told me that if I didn't have any seizures by the second day, one of the things they would do to induce seizures was wean me off of my medication. Today they dropped my med dosage by a lot. That really isn't weaning, since it was such a drastic drop in dosage. Usually the weaning process takes weeks or even months. In this case they need me to have seizures now, so I thought that it would take at least 3 days to wean me off, but no…they dropped my dosage in half that day. Perhaps that's why i had such strong auras. And perhaps that's why they lasted so long (about 10-20 minutes long) instead of my usual 1-45 seconds.

After all of this, i felt nauseous so i was given a pill to stop the nausea. Then, i got really really hungry. So weird for me. usually i'm nauseous for a long time after an aura. I told the nurse i was hungry so she brought me some saltine crackers and some orange sherbet. That totally helped. I went to bed at about 10-10:30. Every night the nurses come to check on you every hour to make sure your okay. One of the times, the nurse came in and woke me up. AFter that i wasn't tired anymore, so now it's 2:27 and I can't sleep. Grr. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep quick status. G'nite everyone.

Day No.1

Day 1

Pretty boring so far. Mom and dad have been here since 8am. Vero is stopping by later. I'm happy to have some visitors and even happier since they'll keep mom and dad entertained.

Today they put the electrodes on my head. Barbara, the EEG tech, was very nice to me and we had good conversations. So that made the whole thing go faster. After she was done I was like…okay… i looked at myself in the mirror and realized that look pretty weird, with these things stuck on my head and wires coming out of those electrodes. I have this beanie on to keep the electrodes from being yanked out.. I didn't really mind it until my mom made fun of it. Now i'm feeling self-conscious about how i look.

I had a conversation with a couple of doctors regarding my stay here, about my seizures, and about the surgery. I have a lot of anxiety about the entire thing. Worry #1 is the surgery....I don't want to lose my memory. What if I'm not Rosario anymore??? The doctors come by at different times and I had the exact same conversation about my stay here. I told them I was worried about dying and shit. They both gave me the same rehearsed line about how there's a bigger chance of dying when you cross the street than there is having this surgery. Yeah...that's probably because waaaaaaay more people walk across the street than f'n have brain surgery! blah. Worry #2..How am I supposed to afford all of this??? UGH. Both doctors told me not to worry about any of this until after the testing is done. Yeah, easy for them to say. They don't have to worry about losing their memory or how they're going to afford any of this shit. However, it's pretty interesting that they can tell how tense I am just by looking at the brain waves on the screen. Worry#3..I'm going to be reported to the DMV and my license is going to get suspended :(. sucks dude. How am i supposed to get around? It's so hard to do in LA. Ugh

One of the most annoying things about this whole process is that I'm not allowed to walk around or do ANYTHING on my own. I can't get out of my bed for anything. I can't even get up to plug in my chargers, in the outlet right behind my bed! I have cameras on me 24/7 so they can tell if I'm moving around. I have to call the nurses and bug them to do shit for me…like ask them to get me the sweater that is in the chair a couple of feet away from me. Haha. Since I can't walk around on my own (they want me to make sure that I'm okay) I have to have a nurse walk me to the bathroom and they have to wait for me just outside the door in case i fall or seize or whatever. Hello, i need to fart! I can't do that with somebody listening in on me!

Earlier, a nurse put a tourniquet on my arm to constrict my veins so that she could put in an IV. She tied the tourniquet super tight, and she left the room. My arm started turning purple, and I saw all of my veins pop out. It was weird I've never seen that before. Bitch was gone for a long time and I felt like my arm was going to explode.

Aside from all of that I'm super vulnerable right now. I don't want anybody to see me like this. I don't want anybody to see me lose control of my body when i seize. It's embarrassing. Even though my family and friends will love me no matter what, it's still hard for me.

I'm trying to be as positive as possible, but i'm also trying to keep this as real as possible. This is my experience with telemetry testing and i want to share it with you. Writing about it is keeping me sane.